I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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