i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Soap is not a condiment
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
