You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
