a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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