that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
