I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
