omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You pole danced in your parka.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
