I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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