I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
