I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
