my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
