my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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