so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
