life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
