Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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