my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
