Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last time i carry you out of a forest
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
