i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
