i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
