Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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