I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
