every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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