Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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