I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
