peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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