the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
