Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
