and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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