Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
accomplished twins. life is a go
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
