I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
