I met the friendliest cop last night
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
