Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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