i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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