Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy shit dude........stairs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
