Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
