it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
