She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
