Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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