Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
