One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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