I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
