Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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