Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
