listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
