CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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