Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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