Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
