Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
