In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
