He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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