I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
