Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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