i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
