meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
