I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
