I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
