Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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