it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
