my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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