my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So many bounce houses so little time
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
