I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
