i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
